A MIxrure of Feeling

When you are almost at the verge of giving up and wanted to put everything to a stop....A light of hope appear to you just a phone call away...Lately i was desperately seeking help from people to to raise money for his dad for the operation....each day my hope started to get lower and lower when no result was seen, with the action he show to me make it even discourage cos too many things happened on me while raising the money....i wanted to give up but deep in me i told myself i cnt if i give upo that means i am taking away a person life so i keep going on to find ways, even though is tough and stressful cos i hv to face alots of unpredicatble temper and action from him plus the words from my mum....i endure it thru th egrace of God....Thinking that today my alumni member coulkd help me...yes he did offer the help and meet up with me but dont where on earth his wife appear and say i am his mistress and gave a tight slap on my face and took the nmoney away saying i am a shameless woman who spolit someone family, i was puzzled and shocked from what she said, where on earth have i become my school alumni member mistress whom i only know for a yr plus...and when he called me up i told him what happened..and the same respond i expected, scolding from him again....At that moment i hated him, cos if not of him i dont have to go through all this stupid shit and create unnecessary problems for myself....i was so badly affected and at this moment, my hp rang, i was surprise to recevied my pastor call as i did told him what happened to me lately, i did not expect him to call me and tell me that after the discussion with pastors and elders, they have decide to help me with the money but only $1500, the news to me was a surprise and shocked news, i never expect that they will help after i didntt hear from them after a few days, so i thought no more hope already....and when i recevied the news i call him to share but end up he think that i am lying to him and creating excuses...i was boiled with anger when he said that...At the later part of the nite, he called me up and told me, he want a clean break off from, once again he said he hated me, and his girlfriend dont like me, and cos i have promised what i promise him i have to deliver my words, and he said what i did was all one sided, and cos of the counterfied money issue, he say i am very stupid and trusted people easily and he say he cnt be with me and appreciated what i have done....i was driving mad, if he was rite in front me telling all this i would have given him a slap and tell him off, I told him he shouldnt make use of the relationship to do all this ( words of anger), inside me i dont mean it cos i know as i say out all becos of the way he treated me the past few weeks and nites, that why when he said all those words to me earlier i cant control my wild thoughts and say all those things if he didnt have done those action to me in the 1st place i wont have said all those that are not true from my heart..... Seriously i dont know if i can still take in his words that he said earlier on, he still want us to be together....i dont know if i can believed it a not cos this is not the 1st time he said all those words to me and after that with all the nice words again...I believed everyone heard about the story of "The Boy Who Cry Wolves" that why i dont know.....but i accept it and i choose to trust him again cos i really loved him...Awhile later after we hang down the phone, he called back again, with a very serious voice, he told me with a calm tone saying that the nurse called him and told him his dad maybe not be able to pull through if operation is not done and he need to rush down to the hospital..upon hearing the news i dont know why i was so affected and my tears run down my cheeks like tapped water, although i dont know his father well but i was badly affected my the news...I couldnt stop to hate and blame myself why i am so useless, Why i cant get the money in time to save his dad, why i am so useless that i cant even afford a 2k operation for him, if is not cos of me and all the delayed he could have been saved by then and no no need to go through all this pain...Its all cos of me that i cause his dad to be facing the verge of death...I really pray hard that his father can hang on for a few more days cos the money is already on the way cos my pastors and elders are helping and nw is to wait for the chq to be ready...I really wish i am now rite beside him to comfort him and support him, he did not allow me to go cos he know i was sick and he wanted me to rest but how can i rest when i am the one who delay everything....I really pray that God will not let anything happened to his dad if not i wont be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life to cause someone father to pass on cos of me not able to get the money on time to save him....O God please sent all ur angels and generals to protect him and let him pull through this critical period in God's grace...i offer my sincere pray to u and i really ask that God you would watch and protect him and give him the strength to live on cos the moeny is almost on hand...God that is from u so please let this father to continue to live on.. In the name of God i pray all this...Amen