Princess Of The Most High: December 2008

Today i had another quarrel session with my mother early the morning after i wake up. I cant help hating myself to the extend that i really want to give up on my life since it giving everyone a huge problem.No one want to sick but why again and again they keep thinking that is my fault that i'm sick and i cause myself to be sick. Hey! i'm not insane. who doesnt want to be healthy, I know very well that it is financial draining but why do they have to keep reminding me about this. I know is hard on them. If they feel the pain for letting me to seek treatment,i'm fine i can choose not to go for further treatment just like how i stop myself from receiving treatment from Dr Yeo, it's not that i have fully recover it just that i dont wish to add on extra financial burden on them, so i'm suppressing all the symptoms, making them to feel at ease that i have recover. I do not mind to choose the death road again if that can relief their financial issue and burden. I just to not wish to hear or see them getting so frustrated whenever it comes to money issue, It's not that i dont want to work at the moment, but i having the pain most of the time and when i'm at home i got to bear with it in silence i can show them the sick look if not they will feel irritated. I simply dont understand why i cant be myself in front of my own parents why i have to hide the true feeling of me, why do i have to pretend that i'm okay even when i pain. I really wonder have they really understand the needs thai i want, the frustration and pain that i'm bearing, have they fully come to terms with my condition?I am both emotionally, and physically exhuasted. I really hated myself. Why is it that i can always share the most inner feeling of to the third parties and not my own my parents? Many times, when the pain is so bad that i really wish it will just take my life away and i can be gone forever so that my parents can be relief from it.If one day i'm gone, please do not feel sad about it cause i have ended your finanical worries as there will be no more medical bills to be stressing on you.This day will come in due time .To all friends, who happened to read this blog, just have to remember the happy times we have shared together. This is the only solution i can think off to ease their financial burden and i'm pretty sure that they will feel lighter without me. No more worries for them.