Sad, Disappointment and Unhappiness

Finally i understand why all my relationship dont work out. Problems does not lies on me but on my parents esp my mum....she nvr admit the mistake she had done and always think she is right and everyone should listen to her.. I HATE THAT!!! Her practice of favouritism is coming more and more obvious, i tried my best not to think or even recall of the test result but things are getting more and more out of ctrl, they are driving me to a corner and i have so much in that i need to let off but who cn i turn to...no one is wif me when i most need help, nt even he is there for me when things happened, he choose to walk off, i couldnt stop myslef frm asking this question why am i hanging on and what i am struggling for so long, why did i choose to keep my life when i could have give up totally 8yrs ago....why am i still staying alive and who am i doing this for? since no one care abt my existing why shld i make myself so miserable and why am i so stupid to choose to overcome all the problems that i encounter in life, why didnt i let the problems to buried me to death....Why am i being brought into this family that i need to contiune to suffer all this unfairness, since we r not related in any forms, why did they still choose to brought me, they could hv left me alone...why did they give me a family where i dont feel the love and sometime not even belong to the family.....everyone has parents that dote them and love them but why cnt i have such parents. they only see the surface of my wrong doings but have they really sit down down and ask them selves why am i behaving such a way....if they really take me as daughter i wouldnt be going thru all this alone and suffer in silence for so many years...When can i be off frm all this torture....Is it true that the only way to break this off, death is the only solution..to make everyone feel happy.Maybe w/o me ard things will be more happier and cheerful for them..O God, when will you take me out from all this unfair treatment and sufferings i am extremely exhausted...when can i have a complete rest from all this.?????? Haiz!!!!!!!

A Mixed Feeling

Today is a joyous occassion for my godsister, it her big day and all of us attended her wedding dinner. During the speech, my godsister share about how wonderful her parents were to her and how they have shape and bring her up during her growing years... While listening to the speech my heart was filled with envy and at the same having a sour feeling me, why my godsister is so lucky to be born with such a supportive and caring parents, at the moment i was proud of myself to have her parents as my godparents, the childhood memeories that i spent with my godparents came back to me, and the images were still so vivid to me as though it just happened yesterday....Looking at my godparents who are not related to me at all yet could be so supportive and give the care and love that i always been longing for....yet my parents who see me through my growing stage could not even show me that type of support..I will feel ashame to have them.....I was kind of affected when my godmother tell me to look for her and she will get her friends to support and help me in my biz, i was so touched and i felt so warm by those words...Someone who dun watch me grow up yet can be so supportive...It is really unbelievable...I dont understands why other parents could be always so alr to help their children and support them why not my own parents even if we may not be having the same blood running in me....but as their child shouldnt they give the 100%...In the morning i had a busy day and it my lousy day as well, i was so pack with things in my hands that no one offer a helping hands and while i was talking to my customer my hp slipped frm my shoulder and drop into a basin of water, and the phone died off... i was so upset and when i get back home i try to use a hair dryer to blow the phone hoping that it cn be used again..i was so disappointed when the phone couldnt be used...and when my mum saw it b4 she even comfort me she say i shldnt be talking to customers and i shldnt blamed my customer for calling me, i was so upset and she brought on topic of my lost hp when we were out for hi-tea 1yr ago, i did nt want to rake up this topic not cos of them dun wnat to help me i could hv retrievd my phone yet they still cn say is my fault...and in the car they keep finding fault with me and i was alr so exhausted and tired frm a day of appointment making i wanted to hv some quite moment but end up making me even more irritated... i wanted to give him a call but knowing that he was with his girlfriend and promised that i would nt call or sms till my dinner end,i drop the idea off....thinking that after my dinner i could meet up with at my plc but he did nt reply my msg, guess he must have a gd time and forgotten that he promised to give me a call at 11pm to cfm if meeting...well i was kind of disappointed but i dont blamed him for that....cos what if this happened to me one day as well. Sometimes i do question myself, i love him so much and willing to help him so selflessly even tolerated his unpredictable temper and accept all kind of words from him, but who am i to him in his heart am i someone special to him....sometimes i seem to understand what he wants and sometimes i dun seem to understand what he wants....I dun know what our future going to be, but deep in me i know i truly love him and will always give my best to help him and assist him in whatever ways i can....i really wish and desire to help him to get out from the hurt that was in him, my heart aches whenever i see him look so depressed and i couldnt do much for him..sometimes i do feel myself as a useless girlfriend who cnt even help to lessen his burden....but when i am having diffculties who will be there to help me and listen to me cos i know he had many problems to handle so i will never want to add on my problems to him...I sincerely pray that God can give both us the strength and wisdom to hang on and move on....I oso pray that he will be understanding and spare a thought for my feeling at times too when i cant meet his request or expectation, afterall, i am still a human and i cnt expect everything to be accomplished with good result....I am prepared to go through any hardship with him as long as my loved to him never stop...I will not give up!

Stress!!!

Why i am always facing so much stressin life....Why am i always the one that people throw their anger at...I have feeling and emotions too.....I have my own problems to handle as well but who will understand that???? I need support, encouragement, care and love too..... I do everything with my sincerer heart, i am willing to give full support to anyone who need my help, but what did i get at the end of the day. I am so in love with him that i am willing to do anything for him, hoping that he can see the love that i am giving him......but sometimes i start to fear of losing him, i afraid that when the day i cnt help him anymore is the day when our relationshipo ended.....I sacaracfice for him everything include money...no matter how broke i am, i will make sure he has money with him, but when at times i really couldnt help me i dare not tell him but i will try ways to sort the money for him, today he need 300bucks, i went around selling my pdts to the drivers, but invail despite i am sick today, i still hang on to go round even though my body couldnt take it anymore, my head was spinning but all my mind was to help him. I was so upset that today i couldnt even help him with 50bucks that he needed....i feel that i am such a lousy gf. My heart ache when i know that he meeting the gal he loved more than me, but i nvr mention that to him cos i know i hv no rites to stop him from doing that.....How can i make he knows that ihe is so important to me and i love him so much...My heart aches whenever i saw him flare up at me whenever he had things associate with the gal...i dont like that but what cn i do,cos i am so deeply in love with him, so i bear all that and keep to myself....It hurt me to see him going through the path that i went when i was at the age of 18, i really hope i cn do my best to help him in whatever way i can even to bear with his hurting words..

Happy Momment Happened Just Like a Dream

It has been quite some time since i last blog, it had been a bz 2009 for me, and i am great that company is doing great...Everything seem to be on the track and i thought the same goes for my relationship.....It was not easy to find an ideal guy of my dream after so long that i decide to start off with another new relationship whom i meet at an interview session..We shared the same interests and we hv the same values of family. In the beginning, everything was sweet and good..When we 1st started off, we went through some financial problem but able to to go through and settle it, thinking that such situation will make as closer but i was wrong, indeed at 1st we were closer, last nite, everything change after a family dinner, i dont know what happened or did i do something wrong that make him change his mind of being together with me.. I have been hurt alots of time in a relationship but i never in life that cry so badly in front of a guy that i loved so much, i felt so hurt that i cnt stop myself from crying, i realised that i have deeply fallen for him and how he feels and what he does affect my emotions too, i never felt so hurt when it come to breaking off, but last nite after what he told me i couldnt believed my ears, i always believed that loving someone does required any reason for and willing to sacarfice anything for that person, but whnever i do that to a new relationship, ultimately i always end up the one being hurt the most...sometime i think about it, do i always have to be the one that is giving everything but dont recevied any rewards back or even get loved by that person...i knw sometime i do stupid things or say something stupid, i know what type of approached to use when i show i am mature some guys feels that they dun like such behaviour, seriously i dont knw what approached to use on guys should i act mature or shouldnt i, what type of gals that a guys really want in a gal, a mature one or not too mature, which is which, i dont know, i feel very confused and pressure. I like that guy alot but what should i do, he say i am immature, in what way, he never say, that make me even more sad and puzzled, why are guys such a complex animals, I am trying hard to commodate with him but he dont even one to give me a chance. I dont know if i still dare to enter into any other relationship after this,cos i really dont know how to please a guy, i dont know how i should behaviour in front of them..who cn teach me i dont want to repeat the same mistake again....Haiz