What type of life i'm looking for............. a very good question that had been pondering in my mind. Am I looking for something that's more challenging, or something that can lead to paradise, etc. No, that's not what i want! I want a normal life that i used to have, the cheerful, optimistic, no suicidal thought gal that i used to be. But all these will never come back again ever since i had depression in 2002. I'm no longer the happy, cheerful and always trying to take things easy at a time gal anymore. In fact throughout all these year, I have been telling myself that i'm perfectly normal. I'm just like anybody out there. No ones knows about my past and i still can lead a normal life. Isn't this very ridiculous knowing that this is not true yet i choose to believe it for so many years. I'm tired of such lies and life that i'm going through. Though I have archieve the success in my academic which i had been looking for and now i have got it shouldn't I be happy and proud of myself but why am i not feeling happy.Is it because that special one is not here anymore.I dont know! I really dont know. When he left me last year, my life was once again shattered into darkness why i had to go through this pain again. I tried to put him behind my mind not to think about him but only remember the good time we have spent and the encouragement which he had given me. Recently, I have been quite sick and just got discharged last month. In fact, I'm asking myself am i really physically sick or am i psychological sick. I'm really very tired mentally and physically but my mum never knows the struggles and frustration that i am going through she is never sensitive in what she say and she will just past commend and making me feel even more irritated. I know that she is concern about me but the way she shows it is too overwhleming that I feel like i'm still like a child who never grow up. I want a life of my own but she is interferring in to my life. I want privacy. There are times where i felt that she never understand me of what i really want but claiming that she understands it. Sometimes her commends really drives me to a corner and many times because of her commends i just feel like ending my life if I am really a burden to them. I just find that life is so meaningless to me now I don't even know what i holding back . I don't know the purpose of life even though i know there are people out there who are critically ill and still fighting to live on. To them maybe there are still things that they feel it worth living for. As for me, i just feel that only death will bring full stop to everything that i'm going through and my parents won't have to worry about me anymore.Isn't this a happy ending for everyone. You might think i'm selfish and never spared a thought of those who loves me deeply but has anyone knows that i'm actually living a life that is worst than dying. No one can really understand what a depression person is going through unless he or she had experienced it. No matter how close you are with that person you will never know her inner world and you will never understand why she will keep saying the same thing. So those who are out there dont think that by giving support and encouragement to depressed people is enough they need assurance and also a listening ear. Please try to understand them not fully but at least understand their problem and why are they thinking of ending their life and what is the reason behind it
Friday, April 18, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Sadness that fill my thought
It had been many years since i been keeping this to myself. It had been a struggle and i still hanging there. Ever since i had suffered from depression i know i have been a burden to the family as i dont come from a rich family and my mum had to pay for my medical bill since then. The only question that keep stirring in my mind is that do they really understand this type of condition. Do they really put themselves in my shoe. I know i been quite sick and often end up in hospital but neither do i want this the happen. Do you think i really enjoy staying in hospital? They claimed to say that they understand me fully and what i want especially my mum but the question is does she really knows and understands it. Instead of giving me less stress, she had internally adding on stress to me by telling me that hey i can only work for another 5 years and i will be jobless, all my hard earned money had given you to pay for medical bill and left with nothing and she will keep humming on this and made me feel bad about it. She will even say things like i care so much for you have you ever care about for me. Many times when i tried to share something with her she never seem to understand and she will keep saying things from her own view which is sometime i dont need that. Many times she dont even know why i'm upset, angry or frustrated and why is that i have a drastic change in my emotion and when i talk back to her rudely she will say hey u crazy huh why you talk in such a way but she will never ask why or what happened. I dont need materialistic things what i want is someone i can share thing with and ideas to give and share together but whenever i shared things with her she will say i dont know, or what you want me to do. Do you think by giving such answer i will enjoy telling her things. The worst part is whenever i shared things with them, they will say things like all these is your own imaginations. The thing is do i have so much time to imagine all these thing hey i'm not crazy. After so many attempts of trying, they never understand the inner of me but only the outer of me. I'm tired of such circumstance. I'm tired of my life and i just find it meaningless even though i have archieve my success. I wanted very much to end myself cos that the best way to lesser the burden of my parents especially my mum since she had said i giving her lots of pressure and i'm draining her dry then that the best way. Once i leave from here, i think they will be happier as they dont have to worry about the fiancial anymore cos they dont have to pay my medical bill anymore.Isn't that a better ending for me and for them.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Memorable Night
Last night, I met up with Chris for dinner at Vivo City. We went to a restuarant and had Brazilian food. The ambience was nice and cosy. During dinner, we share about our interest and also the type of partners we are looking for and what are the expectation. In fact, after the talk i realised that we actually shared a common interest and view about our partner. After dinner, we actually planned to watch movie but because he forgot to bring the tickets along so we drop of the idea. He brought me to this amazing chocolate shop and the shop name is candy empire at there you can get all sort of chocolates and candies. It's really a cool shop. Chris had given me a very good impression of him and i enjoyed being with him cos i can be myself in front of him. I hope that we can contiued to bulid up our friendship and give moral support to each other as a form of encouragement. Hope to know him better in the days to come and we will become close friend. He is indeed a very nice guy to share problems with as he has a very good listening ears. Really enjoy his accompany. Looking forward to meet up with him again.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Dinner and KTV Session
Yesterday, I met Christine, Kok Wee for dinner at sembawang the usual place where i normally have dinner with my family. We order crab and cereal prawns with other dishes. We enjoyed the dinner very much. During our dinner, it was raining cats and dogs so we take our time to eat as we wait for the rain to stop. After dinner, we headed to marina square and we went K Box for KTV. We sang for a few hours until around 1 plus then we left the place. The best part was we cannot find the car and took us a few minutes then we manage to find it by then the carpark left with only less than 10 cars. It was a fun night. Looking forward for more such activities.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
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