What type of life I'm looking for

What type of life i'm looking for............. a very good question that had been pondering in my mind. Am I looking for something that's more challenging, or something that can lead to paradise, etc. No, that's not what i want! I want a normal life that i used to have, the cheerful, optimistic, no suicidal thought gal that i used to be. But all these will never come back again ever since i had depression in 2002. I'm no longer the happy, cheerful and always trying to take things easy at a time gal anymore. In fact throughout all these year, I have been telling myself that i'm perfectly normal. I'm just like anybody out there. No ones knows about my past and i still can lead a normal life. Isn't this very ridiculous knowing that this is not true yet i choose to believe it for so many years. I'm tired of such lies and life that i'm going through. Though I have archieve the success in my academic which i had been looking for and now i have got it shouldn't I be happy and proud of myself but why am i not feeling happy.Is it because that special one is not here anymore.I dont know! I really dont know. When he left me last year, my life was once again shattered into darkness why i had to go through this pain again. I tried to put him behind my mind not to think about him but only remember the good time we have spent and the encouragement which he had given me. Recently, I have been quite sick and just got discharged last month. In fact, I'm asking myself am i really physically sick or am i psychological sick. I'm really very tired mentally and physically but my mum never knows the struggles and frustration that i am going through she is never sensitive in what she say and she will just past commend and making me feel even more irritated. I know that she is concern about me but the way she shows it is too overwhleming that I feel like i'm still like a child who never grow up. I want a life of my own but she is interferring in to my life. I want privacy. There are times where i felt that she never understand me of what i really want but claiming that she understands it. Sometimes her commends really drives me to a corner and many times because of her commends i just feel like ending my life if I am really a burden to them. I just find that life is so meaningless to me now I don't even know what i holding back . I don't know the purpose of life even though i know there are people out there who are critically ill and still fighting to live on. To them maybe there are still things that they feel it worth living for. As for me, i just feel that only death will bring full stop to everything that i'm going through and my parents won't have to worry about me anymore.Isn't this a happy ending for everyone. You might think i'm selfish and never spared a thought of those who loves me deeply but has anyone knows that i'm actually living a life that is worst than dying. No one can really understand what a depression person is going through unless he or she had experienced it. No matter how close you are with that person you will never know her inner world and you will never understand why she will keep saying the same thing. So those who are out there dont think that by giving support and encouragement to depressed people is enough they need assurance and also a listening ear. Please try to understand them not fully but at least understand their problem and why are they thinking of ending their life and what is the reason behind it