A Mixed Feeling

Today is a joyous occassion for my godsister, it her big day and all of us attended her wedding dinner. During the speech, my godsister share about how wonderful her parents were to her and how they have shape and bring her up during her growing years... While listening to the speech my heart was filled with envy and at the same having a sour feeling me, why my godsister is so lucky to be born with such a supportive and caring parents, at the moment i was proud of myself to have her parents as my godparents, the childhood memeories that i spent with my godparents came back to me, and the images were still so vivid to me as though it just happened yesterday....Looking at my godparents who are not related to me at all yet could be so supportive and give the care and love that i always been longing for....yet my parents who see me through my growing stage could not even show me that type of support..I will feel ashame to have them.....I was kind of affected when my godmother tell me to look for her and she will get her friends to support and help me in my biz, i was so touched and i felt so warm by those words...Someone who dun watch me grow up yet can be so supportive...It is really unbelievable...I dont understands why other parents could be always so alr to help their children and support them why not my own parents even if we may not be having the same blood running in me....but as their child shouldnt they give the 100%...In the morning i had a busy day and it my lousy day as well, i was so pack with things in my hands that no one offer a helping hands and while i was talking to my customer my hp slipped frm my shoulder and drop into a basin of water, and the phone died off... i was so upset and when i get back home i try to use a hair dryer to blow the phone hoping that it cn be used again..i was so disappointed when the phone couldnt be used...and when my mum saw it b4 she even comfort me she say i shldnt be talking to customers and i shldnt blamed my customer for calling me, i was so upset and she brought on topic of my lost hp when we were out for hi-tea 1yr ago, i did nt want to rake up this topic not cos of them dun wnat to help me i could hv retrievd my phone yet they still cn say is my fault...and in the car they keep finding fault with me and i was alr so exhausted and tired frm a day of appointment making i wanted to hv some quite moment but end up making me even more irritated... i wanted to give him a call but knowing that he was with his girlfriend and promised that i would nt call or sms till my dinner end,i drop the idea off....thinking that after my dinner i could meet up with at my plc but he did nt reply my msg, guess he must have a gd time and forgotten that he promised to give me a call at 11pm to cfm if meeting...well i was kind of disappointed but i dont blamed him for that....cos what if this happened to me one day as well. Sometimes i do question myself, i love him so much and willing to help him so selflessly even tolerated his unpredictable temper and accept all kind of words from him, but who am i to him in his heart am i someone special to him....sometimes i seem to understand what he wants and sometimes i dun seem to understand what he wants....I dun know what our future going to be, but deep in me i know i truly love him and will always give my best to help him and assist him in whatever ways i can....i really wish and desire to help him to get out from the hurt that was in him, my heart aches whenever i see him look so depressed and i couldnt do much for him..sometimes i do feel myself as a useless girlfriend who cnt even help to lessen his burden....but when i am having diffculties who will be there to help me and listen to me cos i know he had many problems to handle so i will never want to add on my problems to him...I sincerely pray that God can give both us the strength and wisdom to hang on and move on....I oso pray that he will be understanding and spare a thought for my feeling at times too when i cant meet his request or expectation, afterall, i am still a human and i cnt expect everything to be accomplished with good result....I am prepared to go through any hardship with him as long as my loved to him never stop...I will not give up!