Some Thoughts and Feeling

Times flies very fast. It's already the second week of January 2009. Looking back at the year 2008, it hasn't been an easy year for me. It was another year of trail and test that God decided to put me inagain after what happened 7 yrs ago, it ws a year filled with all kinds of thoughts and experiences, from the multiple admission to hospital, the unnecessary test and procedures that i wen t thru, to the worst,dreadful and most painful procedure(Bone Marrow Asipration) i will never forget that painful experience that i went thru alone without a single family memeber at by side expect him,till the extend that i lost my job. The ups and downs in my life seem like another non-fiction story again. Ever since 2007 after i recovered from depression, i told myself that i must try my best to get a high paying job based on the qualification i had attained, the reason is not cos i am money-minded but cos each time when my mum start complaining about the amount of money she had spent on me and telling others and my cousin that she felt that all her hard work that she did for the past decade of her life is not worth it as her salary had to share with me and the family. Each time when i heard this comment said by her, my heart felt like being peirced by a pair of sharp knife and i cant help blaming myself for all what had happened and making it a heavy burden on them, so i made a promised to myself that i must get a high pay job in order to repay what they had done on me, but it seem like they never understand the motive behind why suddenly i changed into a sales line job. To them, they find that i'm not realistic, i'm dreaming and thinking of an easy way out, and i'm not down-to-earth.they felt that only a paid job with contribution to CPF then is consider a stable and secure job and job without CPF contribution is not good, unsecured and not workable. Whenever i tried to explain to them the reason and the unnecessarties of having CPF contribution in the future expect for medishield, it will always end up in an agrument. Frankly speaking,i'm getting sick and tired of quarrelling over work related issue cos i felt that they have a very narrow, conservative and short-sighted mind-set. In my 25yrs of life, i never ever met parents who will be so calcultive with their children, that every dollar and cent they will be calculating. Eventually, i finally met someone. and nontheless to say, that my very own mother, and it hurt me very much that what she concerned is the amount she had spent on me and will remind me everytime when we get into fight. And because of all these that i went thru, i was even more determined to go into sales line cos that the only job where it provides me an unlimited sky where i can earn as much as i can to put everything to a stop and to repay what they had done on me. Now given an opportunity, all i need then is to introduce their friends to me or ppl ard then to me cos my network is not as big as them, but the ball ended at my side again whenever i passed to them. They keep saying they wan t to see result on me but without their help my resources is limited how am i going to show gd result? At times, i felt very stressed, upset and disappointed, when i cant archieve what i want especially when it is so near and yet so far, Sometime, i really wonder if they are sincerely helping cos they either messed up what i had planned or they refused to help. It really upset me lot, if they think that by doing this i will give up evetually, i guess they are utterly wrong. I'm trying so hard cos i want to give the best to them but somehow it seem like it is not appreciated. It really hurts me very much when they said some discouraging words. God please give me the strengthen to go thru each and every challenge that i face each day.