Why do I have to suffer so much

I Am Doing The Right Thing

It been a mth plus and i never in my life feel so down and sad...I did not know if it is a mistake to start off this relationship, too many things had happened till i do not how to settle my emotion...I never feel so empty before not even when i am in my lowest...I do not know if being with him is a blessing or a test given from God to see my perseverance and tolerance level...Never in my life ever be insult by any guys like him do....Sometimes, i really wonder what is in him that why is he always having an unpredictable temper, good at a time and changes very fast, just like weather forecast,I am not only losing the confident in myself and him but also my capability of giving my 100% in the relationship, Never in my life that i have come to a junction where i am so broke to the extend that settling 3 meals have become an issue, No matter how much i am willing to give in, even out of my limits, i will still try my best to give and help him but what did i get at the end of the day, words of crtitism...i do not know how much i meant to him, but all i know i can never win him over no matter how much effort i put in, afterall is only one-sided, from the moment he show me the picture he took with his girlfriend on the hp, i guess the massage from him is quite clear, i supposed he have an answer long time ago...Sometimes i really wonder, if i should reconsider about taking our relationship seriously again, after so many incidents happened...i am really thinking if what i go through happened on his girlfriend would he still react the same as what he did to me....recently i couldnt stop myself from thinking about all these, cos his action towards me really send a chill down my spine, i do not know why he is so worried if i would tell my friends or people ard me that he slapped me..if he really scared how people will judge him then he shouldnt have even use such action...deep in me i really wonder if his girlfriend really know that he has a unpredictable temper or throughtout this one whole yr being together he never flare his temper and always keeping his cool in front of her, and i strongely disbelieved that his girlfriend had no weakness that irritated him as every human has it own weakness...This few days i been spending time thinking hard as something puzzled me, since he lovedhis girlfriend so much, does his girlfriend know that his dad is critically ill, and if she does, did she also offer a helping hand cos if she knows about it, she should be helping and not leaving him so desperate finding ways to raise the money and if she had been helping i guess thing will be much more easy even if not the full sum....seriously i am thinking even though i have given my words to him that i will help him but when he saw me at my wits end he could ask her to help a little and not flaring up at me, unless something is amiss in between...That only he knows.... I do not know i my intution is right this time, i can see that he has some gulity-conscious in him or he is hidding something from me, i dont know why he is so worry that he cant repay me and worried that we will break up unless he had planned everything ( I dont know) before hand....Maybe i am just being over-sensitive due to his action towards....Afterall, no matter how generous i am, where on earth will a gals feel happy seeing someone she loved is with other gals, likewise, if i am with other guys, will he really be so generous enough to allow such action if he really care....The Answer is no cos NONE of the people on earth can be so generous enough to let others to share their loved one unless they dont care for each other if not there is no way....As now, i am nobody to him and i dun have any rites to stop him from what he like to do but at least some respect should be given to me, and if he is someone really believed in God and fear God, he shouldnt be two-timing.....I do not know what is his decision but watever it is, i just wish for the best for him and hope thing will get better for him...as whether if we are meant tobe together, I shall leave it to God to decide for us....

A Very Different Feeling

It has been 1mth 3days since we are together...We went through alot of obstacle together but each obstacle was overcome from the grace of God...After these few incidents, i do not know if i am doing something right or i am just being too silly to give my 100% for someone that i love so much yet i do not know if he really want to be with me...yesterday nite, all the words that he said to me on saturday nite....I do not know if i should believed what he said after his anger words or those anger words that he said before he say any nice words....I admit i really love him alot that i am willing to do anything for him so long is within my capablities but after so much things happened, i do not know if i can continued to trust every word he said, i have such feeling is cos his action really discourage me alot and we are just being together for a mth plus, but he had mention about breaking up many times...i cant imagine if we have a outcome what will be it down the road.....from the bottom of my heart, i confessed that from the start till now i never ever have a doubt on his words and things he said to me, but for the past 2 weeks while trying to raise money for his dad, i went through a lot of things in life that i never once experience at my lowest period in my life, instead of getting his comforting and assurance when i encounter issue and unexpected incidents, i told him but end uo being scold and insult by him, i was terrible hurt and i cant stop myself from thinking if he really care about me, cos he could pass comment about me without thinking if the words are right a not at the moment, he cant blamed me for having a sulky expression towards his action that he show to me, Seriously, i started to lose confidence in our relationship, i dont know how much more i can control myself and keep quiet, i do not know who is important to him ( Me or His girlfriend that he loved), i cant stop myself from asking this question in me over and over again, if the gal who he loved so much and has been with him for a yr plus shouldnt she also give in a helping hand as well, knowing that he is under so high pressure and stress, and i also wonder if he will use the same re-action on her if she ever encounter the same situations as me??? And since he care so much about how her girlfriend feels towards me, then he should make a decision whether we should carry on.. Very much i want to be with him but if he cant let go of his past or the girl whom he loved, it will be very diffcult for us to be together since there is no 100% trust from another party.... I can give everything for the person i loved, but i dont want at the end of the day, my loved to him become hatrated. As there is a chinese saying, the more u loved the person, the more hate you will develop...i dont want and wish to have such thing happened cos i dont like to hate people as it is a very tiring process....Up till now i still love him but i dont want if i can still be like before giving me all my 100%, and wat will happened if i never or cant give my 100%, is that the end of everything??? I really dont know

A MIxrure of Feeling

When you are almost at the verge of giving up and wanted to put everything to a stop....A light of hope appear to you just a phone call away...Lately i was desperately seeking help from people to to raise money for his dad for the operation....each day my hope started to get lower and lower when no result was seen, with the action he show to me make it even discourage cos too many things happened on me while raising the money....i wanted to give up but deep in me i told myself i cnt if i give upo that means i am taking away a person life so i keep going on to find ways, even though is tough and stressful cos i hv to face alots of unpredicatble temper and action from him plus the words from my mum....i endure it thru th egrace of God....Thinking that today my alumni member coulkd help me...yes he did offer the help and meet up with me but dont where on earth his wife appear and say i am his mistress and gave a tight slap on my face and took the nmoney away saying i am a shameless woman who spolit someone family, i was puzzled and shocked from what she said, where on earth have i become my school alumni member mistress whom i only know for a yr plus...and when he called me up i told him what happened..and the same respond i expected, scolding from him again....At that moment i hated him, cos if not of him i dont have to go through all this stupid shit and create unnecessary problems for myself....i was so badly affected and at this moment, my hp rang, i was surprise to recevied my pastor call as i did told him what happened to me lately, i did not expect him to call me and tell me that after the discussion with pastors and elders, they have decide to help me with the money but only $1500, the news to me was a surprise and shocked news, i never expect that they will help after i didntt hear from them after a few days, so i thought no more hope already....and when i recevied the news i call him to share but end up he think that i am lying to him and creating excuses...i was boiled with anger when he said that...At the later part of the nite, he called me up and told me, he want a clean break off from, once again he said he hated me, and his girlfriend dont like me, and cos i have promised what i promise him i have to deliver my words, and he said what i did was all one sided, and cos of the counterfied money issue, he say i am very stupid and trusted people easily and he say he cnt be with me and appreciated what i have done....i was driving mad, if he was rite in front me telling all this i would have given him a slap and tell him off, I told him he shouldnt make use of the relationship to do all this ( words of anger), inside me i dont mean it cos i know as i say out all becos of the way he treated me the past few weeks and nites, that why when he said all those words to me earlier i cant control my wild thoughts and say all those things if he didnt have done those action to me in the 1st place i wont have said all those that are not true from my heart..... Seriously i dont know if i can still take in his words that he said earlier on, he still want us to be together....i dont know if i can believed it a not cos this is not the 1st time he said all those words to me and after that with all the nice words again...I believed everyone heard about the story of "The Boy Who Cry Wolves" that why i dont know.....but i accept it and i choose to trust him again cos i really loved him...Awhile later after we hang down the phone, he called back again, with a very serious voice, he told me with a calm tone saying that the nurse called him and told him his dad maybe not be able to pull through if operation is not done and he need to rush down to the hospital..upon hearing the news i dont know why i was so affected and my tears run down my cheeks like tapped water, although i dont know his father well but i was badly affected my the news...I couldnt stop to hate and blame myself why i am so useless, Why i cant get the money in time to save his dad, why i am so useless that i cant even afford a 2k operation for him, if is not cos of me and all the delayed he could have been saved by then and no no need to go through all this pain...Its all cos of me that i cause his dad to be facing the verge of death...I really pray hard that his father can hang on for a few more days cos the money is already on the way cos my pastors and elders are helping and nw is to wait for the chq to be ready...I really wish i am now rite beside him to comfort him and support him, he did not allow me to go cos he know i was sick and he wanted me to rest but how can i rest when i am the one who delay everything....I really pray that God will not let anything happened to his dad if not i wont be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life to cause someone father to pass on cos of me not able to get the money on time to save him....O God please sent all ur angels and generals to protect him and let him pull through this critical period in God's grace...i offer my sincere pray to u and i really ask that God you would watch and protect him and give him the strength to live on cos the moeny is almost on hand...God that is from u so please let this father to continue to live on.. In the name of God i pray all this...Amen

Is It Worth Doing All This Afterall

I started to question myself what i have been doing all these while for him is it worth it... Seriously, i do not know what is exactly in his mind....after what he said to me in the car last nite and what he had done to me, i dont know if what i am doing is stupid or silly....or i am being blinded by love....I know his stress level is very high as his dad is lying in hospital waiting for the money for opeartion but till now there is still no result or outcome, i can fully understand that feeling of frustration and mental stress.....i have the same feeling as him too though that person is not my father, but i could feel the tension.....i am just an outsider rendering help... he smile and say he love me when i able to finish or complete his request or mission, but when i didnt, instead of some words of assurance i got shouting from him, screaming, and even slapping, i already feel miserable not able to assist him and even worst when i got involved with police case for no reason just becos i wanted so much to help him i did not think of other when someone agreed to help me...I was not fully settle with the incident having fear in me that my parents will find out i try very hard to be as normal as possible....even though i have not overcome the shockness yet i did not use that as an excuse to stop helping him...I still continued to seek around for help hoping to have good news....Am i not good enough to go all the extra miles to seek help....where on earth would any gals do all these for a guy especially after getting herself with police case for no reason

yet continued to help him despite being spike by his angry words. Since he love his girlfriend so much why not he approached her for help, if to him i am someone stupid or never used my brain to things.....and someone that he HATED why does he still seek me for help since to him i am good for nothing and sore eye to him...I am not jealous and never did i ever feel jealous before, all i felt is that the words he used on me is unjustify to my action, if i have not done anything or i have make empty promises i jolly well received the comments he say but i ddint at all yet he could still say those words...cos of the money issue i have spent many sleepless nite thinking of ways to help him and earlier on cos i am in my deep thought i got myself in an accident, he called me and ask me where am i and taken my lunch, i told him i am at clinic but to him he think i was sick but in actual i was there cos i met in accident, but did tell him the truth..No I Didnt cos i dont want him to worry about me as he had too many problems to handle....AM I not considerate enough as a gf to him....WHy didnt i tell him cos i know, the 1st thing he will say is, Why you so stupid?? Why you so careless?? so what the point to tell him...if is going to listen to all these words...if is not becos i am in my deep thoughts thinking of solution to help him would such accident happened?? Does he know how much stress he has given to me and yet i still have to listen to all those words from him when things not accomplish....He is not the only one with feeling and emotion, i have too but whom can i share my feeling with when he say all these things to me....What sadden me is not the words but the thought in him that always feel that i dont want to help him and feels that i hidding something from him....If there no trust in this relationship, den what is the point for person to give 100% and end up is all the doubting from the other party...I really do not know how he feel when he say all those words.....does he really meant it or he say cos of anger i really dont know..al i know is i am now fully exhausted, i really hope he can see my action and not thinking that i am finding excuses or trying to play pranks on him....Finally understand, loving someone is always more diffcult den being loved by someone...and that what i truly experience.....

How Much More Tests Do i need to go through

Why is life always so unfair to me? What have i done wrong to be in such family having such parents?? Am I wrong to help someone that i love to go through all the obstacle that he is facing?? If someone that is close to you lying in hospital critically ill waiting for help, yet being hisf friend or gf cant do anything much, how would you feeling?? I hate myself, I wanted so much to help his father and him, seeing him so desperately seeking help i cant just leave him alone and do nothing, in order to help him i tried all methods, even to the extend of doing something that is not right but i dont bother.. I even have the thought of approaching the loan shark jus to save his father but cos the house that i am staying doesnt belong to mine i couldnt do that and i need to spare a thought for my neighbours even if not for my parents. I swear that never in my life i have done so much for a guy no matter how much i love them but he does cos my love to him is pure and genuine, and it truly from the bottom of my heart...I hate my mum who keep saying negative comment about him cos they never spend time with him and understand him jus cos of the little mistake or behaviour he has done how can they be so unfair. Whenever i come back home, she will definnitely find something to start of the topic and make me irritated i spoke out on his behalf but they choose not to listen and yet continue to keep saying things that is unpleasant and not true....This few days is the toughest days for me and for him, his dad is critically ill and need the money for operation, i try all ways out even getting my myself with some police case, i was badly affected but i did nt just stopped there cos of what happened, i keep thinking of ideas where i have already run out of wits and ideas but i still keep trying cos it a life...But being try so hard what did i get in return?? Nothing but blaming, scolding, and even being slap by him......I fully understand that he is under stress and pressure cos that person lying on bed is his father, and i know is a matter of life and death, that why i am not giving up any hope but where am i going to get help, frens whom i can appraoched i have done so, even to others whom i dont even know well, what else can i do, how to seek help when my own family members not willing to help.....The pain and stress that i am going through is as high as him, furthermore i need to lsiten to those hurting negative comments by my mum whenever i reached home but never did i mention a single things to him.....I continued to find ways to help him but when things not accomplish or cropped, all i received is his yelling and scolding....i dont expect things to happened, but somehow when things happened i am the one who get all the blaming, at home the same with him the same.....I am a human not Goddness that can make thing perfect....Deep in me already feel bad that the money is still not able to get, how much of agony i am feeling, the person maybe someone i dont really know well,i could choose not to do anything but why didnt i even after getting all the scolding from him.... the reason is very simple cos everyone has the right to live on till the last breathe......moreover he is someone that i love, how would i bear to let his loves one to suffer......and that even make me more want to help him but i have used up all my resources and i am really out of wits.....the feeling that i have now is worst than going to die.....i dont know if he knows that....Each slap he given me is jus like a knife piercing into my heart, my face hurt but my heart hurt even more, i can never imagine that someone i love and claim that he loved me at the same time say that he HATE ME could did such a thing cos of the uncomplete mission....i wonder if he ever truly loved me before, being under pressure and stress is not a good reason for him to has such action.. the effort that i put in and action that i have shown he had seen it himself, i dont know if i should believed what he said in the car earlier,in his anger, cos when someone is angry usually tends to say out sth that is most inner in them jus like those who are drunk....Whatever it is, after today even if we are not together anymore, i will still help him to raise the money afterall we were once together....it concern about a person life no one has the right to take away....another reason is cos my love to him remain the same......

How Much Do I Need To Endure

It had been so long since i did not eneter into any serious relationship ever since i been hurt badly by the past relationship. It was until recently that i met him, who gave me the hope and courage to re-enter into the relationship again, he is the one who make me give my 100% in this relationship despite knowing he has someone in his heart whom he loved deeply. Even knowing that there maybe a chances of 10-20% where he may choose the gal over me ( Wild Toughts running in mind), it maybe true, it maybe false i dont know. Though i know i deeply loved him and trying hard to please him in whatever way even trust in every words he said to me, but there are times where i start to feel insecure, especially when he start to talk abt his girlfriend and telling me how much he loved her... I know he need times to get things settle but how much time he needed, ( days, weeks, mths or yrs), he nvr mentioned... Sometimes i do have confusion in me, he could tell me he loved me but at other times he can tell me he loved his girlfriend...i do not know which is which. Sometimes i start to ask myself, he loved me cos i am someone special to him or he loved me jus as a frens love cos i help him and go through all the hardship with him. Yes, i admit that i am a girl who can give my 100% and never ask for any form of return from someone i deeply love, but cos of this my closed buddy ard me, especially, Charlene and Irene, They are very concern abt me they worried i maybe badly hurt once again when i shared with them what i am experiencing and what he told me. Charlene as my closed sister buddy, advise me to drop him off if i have any better guys coming along, she doesnt want me to waste time if he continued to be the same, after listening, all i did is to just smile and say thanks for that cos deep in my heart i know is impossible even my parents could be giving negative comments abt him, but i could tell my parents esp my to shut off and i am not going to listen to any comments regards, cos they did not spent time with him and doesnt know what he is going through... Seriously speaking, i dont know if i should turn deaf ears on their advise and jus follow my heart,mind and God's direction that given to me, though i know by following God's direction i wont go wrong but afterall i am still a human so sometimes we will tends to listen to ppl ard us, as we cant see or understand things in the perception of God.. Deep in me i sincerely pray that if God meant to put us together as couple and giving us all the test to go through then i sincerely ask God to give me the strength and trust to move on in this realtionship....I really do not know how much more i can endure and help him financially as i have used up all my saving and even to the extend of terminting all my policies and fixed deposite....i am really out of my wits...thought i could have help him the 2k but end up as a fraud by my ex colleague and now my a/c is being suspended for investigation.....I do not know how to disclosed this news to him...I am worried that if he know the news he will blow up again as he is urgently in need of the money for his dad surgrey...O God! what should i do now...I am very pressurised... Can anyone help me!!!!!