Princess Of The Most High

Why do I have to suffer so much

2010-11-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

I Am Doing The Right Thing

2010-02-09T04:51:00.001-08:00

It been a mth plus and i never in my life feel so down and sad...I did not know if it is a mistake to start off this relationship, too many things had happened till i do not how to settle my emotion...I never feel so empty before not even when i am in my lowest...I do not know if being with him is a blessing or a test given from God to see my perseverance and tolerance level...Never in my life ever be insult by any guys like him do....Sometimes, i really wonder what is in him that why is he always having an unpredictable temper, good at a time and changes very fast, just like weather forecast,I am not only losing the confident in myself and him but also my capability of giving my 100% in the relationship, Never in my life that i have come to a junction where i am so broke to the extend that settling 3 meals have become an issue, No matter how much i am willing to give in, even out of my limits, i will still try my best to give and help him but what did i get at the end of the day, words of crtitism...i do not know how much i meant to him, but all i know i can never win him over no matter how much effort i put in, afterall is only one-sided, from the moment he show me the picture he took with his girlfriend on the hp, i guess the massage from him is quite clear, i supposed he have an answer long time ago...Sometimes i really wonder, if i should reconsider about taking our relationship seriously again, after so many incidents happened...i am really thinking if what i go through happened on his girlfriend would he still react the same as what he did to me....recently i couldnt stop myself from thinking about all these, cos his action towards me really send a chill down my spine, i do not know why he is so worried if i would tell my friends or people ard me that he slapped me..if he really scared how people will judge him then he shouldnt have even use such action...deep in me i really wonder if his girlfriend really know that he has a unpredictable temper or throughtout this one whole yr being together he never flare his temper and always keeping his cool in front of her, and i strongely disbelieved that his girlfriend had no weakness that irritated him as every human has it own weakness...This few days i been spending time thinking hard as something puzzled me, since he lovedhis girlfriend so much, does his girlfriend know that his dad is critically ill, and if she does, did she also offer a helping hand cos if she knows about it, she should be helping and not leaving him so desperate finding ways to raise the money and if she had been helping i guess thing will be much more easy even if not the full sum....seriously i am thinking even though i have given my words to him that i will help him but when he saw me at my wits end he could ask her to help a little and not flaring up at me, unless something is amiss in between...That only he knows.... I do not know i my intution is right this time, i can see that he has some gulity-conscious in him or he is hidding something from me, i dont know why he is so worry that he cant repay me and worried that we will break up unless he had planned everything ( I dont know) before hand....Maybe i am just being over-sensitive due to his action towards....Afterall, no matter how generous i am, where on earth will a gals feel happy seeing someone she loved is with other gals, likewise, if i am with other guys, will he really be so generous enough to allow such action if he really care....The Answer is no cos NONE of the people on earth can be so generous enough to let others to share their loved one unless they dont care for each other if not there is no way....As now, i am nobody to him and i dun have any rites to stop him from what he like to do but at least some respect should be given to me, and if he is someone really believed in God and fear God, he shouldnt be two-timing.....I do not know what is his decision but watever it is, i just wish for the best for him and hope thing will get better for him...as whether if we are meant tobe together, I shall leave it to God to decide for us....

A Very Different Feeling

2010-02-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

It has been 1mth 3days since we are together...We went through alot of obstacle together but each obstacle was overcome from the grace of God...After these few incidents, i do not know if i am doing something right or i am just being too silly to give my 100% for someone that i love so much yet i do not know if he really want to be with me...yesterday nite, all the words that he said to me on saturday nite....I do not know if i should believed what he said after his anger words or those anger words that he said before he say any nice words....I admit i really love him alot that i am willing to do anything for him so long is within my capablities but after so much things happened, i do not know if i can continued to trust every word he said, i have such feeling is cos his action really discourage me alot and we are just being together for a mth plus, but he had mention about breaking up many times...i cant imagine if we have a outcome what will be it down the road.....from the bottom of my heart, i confessed that from the start till now i never ever have a doubt on his words and things he said to me, but for the past 2 weeks while trying to raise money for his dad, i went through a lot of things in life that i never once experience at my lowest period in my life, instead of getting his comforting and assurance when i encounter issue and unexpected incidents, i told him but end uo being scold and insult by him, i was terrible hurt and i cant stop myself from thinking if he really care about me, cos he could pass comment about me without thinking if the words are right a not at the moment, he cant blamed me for having a sulky expression towards his action that he show to me, Seriously, i started to lose confidence in our relationship, i dont know how much more i can control myself and keep quiet, i do not know who is important to him ( Me or His girlfriend that he loved), i cant stop myself from asking this question in me over and over again, if the gal who he loved so much and has been with him for a yr plus shouldnt she also give in a helping hand as well, knowing that he is under so high pressure and stress, and i also wonder if he will use the same re-action on her if she ever encounter the same situations as me??? And since he care so much about how her girlfriend feels towards me, then he should make a decision whether we should carry on.. Very much i want to be with him but if he cant let go of his past or the girl whom he loved, it will be very diffcult for us to be together since there is no 100% trust from another party.... I can give everything for the person i loved, but i dont want at the end of the day, my loved to him become hatrated. As there is a chinese saying, the more u loved the person, the more hate you will develop...i dont want and wish to have such thing happened cos i dont like to hate people as it is a very tiring process....Up till now i still love him but i dont want if i can still be like before giving me all my 100%, and wat will happened if i never or cant give my 100%, is that the end of everything??? I really dont know

A MIxrure of Feeling

2010-02-07T02:35:00.000-08:00

When you are almost at the verge of giving up and wanted to put everything to a stop....A light of hope appear to you just a phone call away...Lately i was desperately seeking help from people to to raise money for his dad for the operation....each day my hope started to get lower and lower when no result was seen, with the action he show to me make it even discourage cos too many things happened on me while raising the money....i wanted to give up but deep in me i told myself i cnt if i give upo that means i am taking away a person life so i keep going on to find ways, even though is tough and stressful cos i hv to face alots of unpredicatble temper and action from him plus the words from my mum....i endure it thru th egrace of God....Thinking that today my alumni member coulkd help me...yes he did offer the help and meet up with me but dont where on earth his wife appear and say i am his mistress and gave a tight slap on my face and took the nmoney away saying i am a shameless woman who spolit someone family, i was puzzled and shocked from what she said, where on earth have i become my school alumni member mistress whom i only know for a yr plus...and when he called me up i told him what happened..and the same respond i expected, scolding from him again....At that moment i hated him, cos if not of him i dont have to go through all this stupid shit and create unnecessary problems for myself....i was so badly affected and at this moment, my hp rang, i was surprise to recevied my pastor call as i did told him what happened to me lately, i did not expect him to call me and tell me that after the discussion with pastors and elders, they have decide to help me with the money but only $1500, the news to me was a surprise and shocked news, i never expect that they will help after i didntt hear from them after a few days, so i thought no more hope already....and when i recevied the news i call him to share but end up he think that i am lying to him and creating excuses...i was boiled with anger when he said that...At the later part of the nite, he called me up and told me, he want a clean break off from, once again he said he hated me, and his girlfriend dont like me, and cos i have promised what i promise him i have to deliver my words, and he said what i did was all one sided, and cos of the counterfied money issue, he say i am very stupid and trusted people easily and he say he cnt be with me and appreciated what i have done....i was driving mad, if he was rite in front me telling all this i would have given him a slap and tell him off, I told him he shouldnt make use of the relationship to do all this ( words of anger), inside me i dont mean it cos i know as i say out all becos of the way he treated me the past few weeks and nites, that why when he said all those words to me earlier i cant control my wild thoughts and say all those things if he didnt have done those action to me in the 1st place i wont have said all those that are not true from my heart..... Seriously i dont know if i can still take in his words that he said earlier on, he still want us to be together....i dont know if i can believed it a not cos this is not the 1st time he said all those words to me and after that with all the nice words again...I believed everyone heard about the story of "The Boy Who Cry Wolves" that why i dont know.....but i accept it and i choose to trust him again cos i really loved him...Awhile later after we hang down the phone, he called back again, with a very serious voice, he told me with a calm tone saying that the nurse called him and told him his dad maybe not be able to pull through if operation is not done and he need to rush down to the hospital..upon hearing the news i dont know why i was so affected and my tears run down my cheeks like tapped water, although i dont know his father well but i was badly affected my the news...I couldnt stop to hate and blame myself why i am so useless, Why i cant get the money in time to save his dad, why i am so useless that i cant even afford a 2k operation for him, if is not cos of me and all the delayed he could have been saved by then and no no need to go through all this pain...Its all cos of me that i cause his dad to be facing the verge of death...I really pray hard that his father can hang on for a few more days cos the money is already on the way cos my pastors and elders are helping and nw is to wait for the chq to be ready...I really wish i am now rite beside him to comfort him and support him, he did not allow me to go cos he know i was sick and he wanted me to rest but how can i rest when i am the one who delay everything....I really pray that God will not let anything happened to his dad if not i wont be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life to cause someone father to pass on cos of me not able to get the money on time to save him....O God please sent all ur angels and generals to protect him and let him pull through this critical period in God's grace...i offer my sincere pray to u and i really ask that God you would watch and protect him and give him the strength to live on cos the moeny is almost on hand...God that is from u so please let this father to continue to live on.. In the name of God i pray all this...Amen

Is It Worth Doing All This Afterall

2010-02-04T16:25:00.000-08:00

I started to question myself what i have been doing all these while for him is it worth it... Seriously, i do not know what is exactly in his mind....after what he said to me in the car last nite and what he had done to me, i dont know if what i am doing is stupid or silly....or i am being blinded by love....I know his stress level is very high as his dad is lying in hospital waiting for the money for opeartion but till now there is still no result or outcome, i can fully understand that feeling of frustration and mental stress.....i have the same feeling as him too though that person is not my father, but i could feel the tension.....i am just an outsider rendering help... he smile and say he love me when i able to finish or complete his request or mission, but when i didnt, instead of some words of assurance i got shouting from him, screaming, and even slapping, i already feel miserable not able to assist him and even worst when i got involved with police case for no reason just becos i wanted so much to help him i did not think of other when someone agreed to help me...I was not fully settle with the incident having fear in me that my parents will find out i try very hard to be as normal as possible....even though i have not overcome the shockness yet i did not use that as an excuse to stop helping him...I still continued to seek around for help hoping to have good news....Am i not good enough to go all the extra miles to seek help....where on earth would any gals do all these for a guy especially after getting herself with police case for no reason

yet continued to help him despite being spike by his angry words. Since he love his girlfriend so much why not he approached her for help, if to him i am someone stupid or never used my brain to things.....and someone that he HATED why does he still seek me for help since to him i am good for nothing and sore eye to him...I am not jealous and never did i ever feel jealous before, all i felt is that the words he used on me is unjustify to my action, if i have not done anything or i have make empty promises i jolly well received the comments he say but i ddint at all yet he could still say those words...cos of the money issue i have spent many sleepless nite thinking of ways to help him and earlier on cos i am in my deep thought i got myself in an accident, he called me and ask me where am i and taken my lunch, i told him i am at clinic but to him he think i was sick but in actual i was there cos i met in accident, but did tell him the truth..No I Didnt cos i dont want him to worry about me as he had too many problems to handle....AM I not considerate enough as a gf to him....WHy didnt i tell him cos i know, the 1st thing he will say is, Why you so stupid?? Why you so careless?? so what the point to tell him...if is going to listen to all these words...if is not becos i am in my deep thoughts thinking of solution to help him would such accident happened?? Does he know how much stress he has given to me and yet i still have to listen to all those words from him when things not accomplish....He is not the only one with feeling and emotion, i have too but whom can i share my feeling with when he say all these things to me....What sadden me is not the words but the thought in him that always feel that i dont want to help him and feels that i hidding something from him....If there no trust in this relationship, den what is the point for person to give 100% and end up is all the doubting from the other party...I really do not know how he feel when he say all those words.....does he really meant it or he say cos of anger i really dont know..al i know is i am now fully exhausted, i really hope he can see my action and not thinking that i am finding excuses or trying to play pranks on him....Finally understand, loving someone is always more diffcult den being loved by someone...and that what i truly experience.....

How Much More Tests Do i need to go through

2010-02-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

Why is life always so unfair to me? What have i done wrong to be in such family having such parents?? Am I wrong to help someone that i love to go through all the obstacle that he is facing?? If someone that is close to you lying in hospital critically ill waiting for help, yet being hisf friend or gf cant do anything much, how would you feeling?? I hate myself, I wanted so much to help his father and him, seeing him so desperately seeking help i cant just leave him alone and do nothing, in order to help him i tried all methods, even to the extend of doing something that is not right but i dont bother.. I even have the thought of approaching the loan shark jus to save his father but cos the house that i am staying doesnt belong to mine i couldnt do that and i need to spare a thought for my neighbours even if not for my parents. I swear that never in my life i have done so much for a guy no matter how much i love them but he does cos my love to him is pure and genuine, and it truly from the bottom of my heart...I hate my mum who keep saying negative comment about him cos they never spend time with him and understand him jus cos of the little mistake or behaviour he has done how can they be so unfair. Whenever i come back home, she will definnitely find something to start of the topic and make me irritated i spoke out on his behalf but they choose not to listen and yet continue to keep saying things that is unpleasant and not true....This few days is the toughest days for me and for him, his dad is critically ill and need the money for operation, i try all ways out even getting my myself with some police case, i was badly affected but i did nt just stopped there cos of what happened, i keep thinking of ideas where i have already run out of wits and ideas but i still keep trying cos it a life...But being try so hard what did i get in return?? Nothing but blaming, scolding, and even being slap by him......I fully understand that he is under stress and pressure cos that person lying on bed is his father, and i know is a matter of life and death, that why i am not giving up any hope but where am i going to get help, frens whom i can appraoched i have done so, even to others whom i dont even know well, what else can i do, how to seek help when my own family members not willing to help.....The pain and stress that i am going through is as high as him, furthermore i need to lsiten to those hurting negative comments by my mum whenever i reached home but never did i mention a single things to him.....I continued to find ways to help him but when things not accomplish or cropped, all i received is his yelling and scolding....i dont expect things to happened, but somehow when things happened i am the one who get all the blaming, at home the same with him the same.....I am a human not Goddness that can make thing perfect....Deep in me already feel bad that the money is still not able to get, how much of agony i am feeling, the person maybe someone i dont really know well,i could choose not to do anything but why didnt i even after getting all the scolding from him.... the reason is very simple cos everyone has the right to live on till the last breathe......moreover he is someone that i love, how would i bear to let his loves one to suffer......and that even make me more want to help him but i have used up all my resources and i am really out of wits.....the feeling that i have now is worst than going to die.....i dont know if he knows that....Each slap he given me is jus like a knife piercing into my heart, my face hurt but my heart hurt even more, i can never imagine that someone i love and claim that he loved me at the same time say that he HATE ME could did such a thing cos of the uncomplete mission....i wonder if he ever truly loved me before, being under pressure and stress is not a good reason for him to has such action.. the effort that i put in and action that i have shown he had seen it himself, i dont know if i should believed what he said in the car earlier,in his anger, cos when someone is angry usually tends to say out sth that is most inner in them jus like those who are drunk....Whatever it is, after today even if we are not together anymore, i will still help him to raise the money afterall we were once together....it concern about a person life no one has the right to take away....another reason is cos my love to him remain the same......

How Much Do I Need To Endure

2010-02-01T15:01:00.001-08:00

It had been so long since i did not eneter into any serious relationship ever since i been hurt badly by the past relationship. It was until recently that i met him, who gave me the hope and courage to re-enter into the relationship again, he is the one who make me give my 100% in this relationship despite knowing he has someone in his heart whom he loved deeply. Even knowing that there maybe a chances of 10-20% where he may choose the gal over me ( Wild Toughts running in mind), it maybe true, it maybe false i dont know. Though i know i deeply loved him and trying hard to please him in whatever way even trust in every words he said to me, but there are times where i start to feel insecure, especially when he start to talk abt his girlfriend and telling me how much he loved her... I know he need times to get things settle but how much time he needed, ( days, weeks, mths or yrs), he nvr mentioned... Sometimes i do have confusion in me, he could tell me he loved me but at other times he can tell me he loved his girlfriend...i do not know which is which. Sometimes i start to ask myself, he loved me cos i am someone special to him or he loved me jus as a frens love cos i help him and go through all the hardship with him. Yes, i admit that i am a girl who can give my 100% and never ask for any form of return from someone i deeply love, but cos of this my closed buddy ard me, especially, Charlene and Irene, They are very concern abt me they worried i maybe badly hurt once again when i shared with them what i am experiencing and what he told me. Charlene as my closed sister buddy, advise me to drop him off if i have any better guys coming along, she doesnt want me to waste time if he continued to be the same, after listening, all i did is to just smile and say thanks for that cos deep in my heart i know is impossible even my parents could be giving negative comments abt him, but i could tell my parents esp my to shut off and i am not going to listen to any comments regards, cos they did not spent time with him and doesnt know what he is going through... Seriously speaking, i dont know if i should turn deaf ears on their advise and jus follow my heart,mind and God's direction that given to me, though i know by following God's direction i wont go wrong but afterall i am still a human so sometimes we will tends to listen to ppl ard us, as we cant see or understand things in the perception of God.. Deep in me i sincerely pray that if God meant to put us together as couple and giving us all the test to go through then i sincerely ask God to give me the strength and trust to move on in this realtionship....I really do not know how much more i can endure and help him financially as i have used up all my saving and even to the extend of terminting all my policies and fixed deposite....i am really out of my wits...thought i could have help him the 2k but end up as a fraud by my ex colleague and now my a/c is being suspended for investigation.....I do not know how to disclosed this news to him...I am worried that if he know the news he will blow up again as he is urgently in need of the money for his dad surgrey...O God! what should i do now...I am very pressurised... Can anyone help me!!!!!

Sad, Disappointment and Unhappiness

2010-01-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

Finally i understand why all my relationship dont work out. Problems does not lies on me but on my parents esp my mum....she nvr admit the mistake she had done and always think she is right and everyone should listen to her.. I HATE THAT!!! Her practice of favouritism is coming more and more obvious, i tried my best not to think or even recall of the test result but things are getting more and more out of ctrl, they are driving me to a corner and i have so much in that i need to let off but who cn i turn to...no one is wif me when i most need help, nt even he is there for me when things happened, he choose to walk off, i couldnt stop myslef frm asking this question why am i hanging on and what i am struggling for so long, why did i choose to keep my life when i could have give up totally 8yrs ago....why am i still staying alive and who am i doing this for? since no one care abt my existing why shld i make myself so miserable and why am i so stupid to choose to overcome all the problems that i encounter in life, why didnt i let the problems to buried me to death....Why am i being brought into this family that i need to contiune to suffer all this unfairness, since we r not related in any forms, why did they still choose to brought me, they could hv left me alone...why did they give me a family where i dont feel the love and sometime not even belong to the family.....everyone has parents that dote them and love them but why cnt i have such parents. they only see the surface of my wrong doings but have they really sit down down and ask them selves why am i behaving such a way....if they really take me as daughter i wouldnt be going thru all this alone and suffer in silence for so many years...When can i be off frm all this torture....Is it true that the only way to break this off, death is the only solution..to make everyone feel happy.Maybe w/o me ard things will be more happier and cheerful for them..O God, when will you take me out from all this unfair treatment and sufferings i am extremely exhausted...when can i have a complete rest from all this.?????? Haiz!!!!!!!

A Mixed Feeling

2010-01-30T08:47:00.000-08:00

Today is a joyous occassion for my godsister, it her big day and all of us attended her wedding dinner. During the speech, my godsister share about how wonderful her parents were to her and how they have shape and bring her up during her growing years... While listening to the speech my heart was filled with envy and at the same having a sour feeling me, why my godsister is so lucky to be born with such a supportive and caring parents, at the moment i was proud of myself to have her parents as my godparents, the childhood memeories that i spent with my godparents came back to me, and the images were still so vivid to me as though it just happened yesterday....Looking at my godparents who are not related to me at all yet could be so supportive and give the care and love that i always been longing for....yet my parents who see me through my growing stage could not even show me that type of support..I will feel ashame to have them.....I was kind of affected when my godmother tell me to look for her and she will get her friends to support and help me in my biz, i was so touched and i felt so warm by those words...Someone who dun watch me grow up yet can be so supportive...It is really unbelievable...I dont understands why other parents could be always so alr to help their children and support them why not my own parents even if we may not be having the same blood running in me....but as their child shouldnt they give the 100%...In the morning i had a busy day and it my lousy day as well, i was so pack with things in my hands that no one offer a helping hands and while i was talking to my customer my hp slipped frm my shoulder and drop into a basin of water, and the phone died off... i was so upset and when i get back home i try to use a hair dryer to blow the phone hoping that it cn be used again..i was so disappointed when the phone couldnt be used...and when my mum saw it b4 she even comfort me she say i shldnt be talking to customers and i shldnt blamed my customer for calling me, i was so upset and she brought on topic of my lost hp when we were out for hi-tea 1yr ago, i did nt want to rake up this topic not cos of them dun wnat to help me i could hv retrievd my phone yet they still cn say is my fault...and in the car they keep finding fault with me and i was alr so exhausted and tired frm a day of appointment making i wanted to hv some quite moment but end up making me even more irritated... i wanted to give him a call but knowing that he was with his girlfriend and promised that i would nt call or sms till my dinner end,i drop the idea off....thinking that after my dinner i could meet up with at my plc but he did nt reply my msg, guess he must have a gd time and forgotten that he promised to give me a call at 11pm to cfm if meeting...well i was kind of disappointed but i dont blamed him for that....cos what if this happened to me one day as well. Sometimes i do question myself, i love him so much and willing to help him so selflessly even tolerated his unpredictable temper and accept all kind of words from him, but who am i to him in his heart am i someone special to him....sometimes i seem to understand what he wants and sometimes i dun seem to understand what he wants....I dun know what our future going to be, but deep in me i know i truly love him and will always give my best to help him and assist him in whatever ways i can....i really wish and desire to help him to get out from the hurt that was in him, my heart aches whenever i see him look so depressed and i couldnt do much for him..sometimes i do feel myself as a useless girlfriend who cnt even help to lessen his burden....but when i am having diffculties who will be there to help me and listen to me cos i know he had many problems to handle so i will never want to add on my problems to him...I sincerely pray that God can give both us the strength and wisdom to hang on and move on....I oso pray that he will be understanding and spare a thought for my feeling at times too when i cant meet his request or expectation, afterall, i am still a human and i cnt expect everything to be accomplished with good result....I am prepared to go through any hardship with him as long as my loved to him never stop...I will not give up!

Stress!!!

2010-01-21T01:53:00.000-08:00

Why i am always facing so much stressin life....Why am i always the one that people throw their anger at...I have feeling and emotions too.....I have my own problems to handle as well but who will understand that???? I need support, encouragement, care and love too..... I do everything with my sincerer heart, i am willing to give full support to anyone who need my help, but what did i get at the end of the day. I am so in love with him that i am willing to do anything for him, hoping that he can see the love that i am giving him......but sometimes i start to fear of losing him, i afraid that when the day i cnt help him anymore is the day when our relationshipo ended.....I sacaracfice for him everything include money...no matter how broke i am, i will make sure he has money with him, but when at times i really couldnt help me i dare not tell him but i will try ways to sort the money for him, today he need 300bucks, i went around selling my pdts to the drivers, but invail despite i am sick today, i still hang on to go round even though my body couldnt take it anymore, my head was spinning but all my mind was to help him. I was so upset that today i couldnt even help him with 50bucks that he needed....i feel that i am such a lousy gf. My heart ache when i know that he meeting the gal he loved more than me, but i nvr mention that to him cos i know i hv no rites to stop him from doing that.....How can i make he knows that ihe is so important to me and i love him so much...My heart aches whenever i saw him flare up at me whenever he had things associate with the gal...i dont like that but what cn i do,cos i am so deeply in love with him, so i bear all that and keep to myself....It hurt me to see him going through the path that i went when i was at the age of 18, i really hope i cn do my best to help him in whatever way i can even to bear with his hurting words..

Happy Momment Happened Just Like a Dream

2010-01-12T02:48:00.000-08:00

It has been quite some time since i last blog, it had been a bz 2009 for me, and i am great that company is doing great...Everything seem to be on the track and i thought the same goes for my relationship.....It was not easy to find an ideal guy of my dream after so long that i decide to start off with another new relationship whom i meet at an interview session..We shared the same interests and we hv the same values of family. In the beginning, everything was sweet and good..When we 1st started off, we went through some financial problem but able to to go through and settle it, thinking that such situation will make as closer but i was wrong, indeed at 1st we were closer, last nite, everything change after a family dinner, i dont know what happened or did i do something wrong that make him change his mind of being together with me.. I have been hurt alots of time in a relationship but i never in life that cry so badly in front of a guy that i loved so much, i felt so hurt that i cnt stop myself from crying, i realised that i have deeply fallen for him and how he feels and what he does affect my emotions too, i never felt so hurt when it come to breaking off, but last nite after what he told me i couldnt believed my ears, i always believed that loving someone does required any reason for and willing to sacarfice anything for that person, but whnever i do that to a new relationship, ultimately i always end up the one being hurt the most...sometime i think about it, do i always have to be the one that is giving everything but dont recevied any rewards back or even get loved by that person...i knw sometime i do stupid things or say something stupid, i know what type of approached to use when i show i am mature some guys feels that they dun like such behaviour, seriously i dont knw what approached to use on guys should i act mature or shouldnt i, what type of gals that a guys really want in a gal, a mature one or not too mature, which is which, i dont know, i feel very confused and pressure. I like that guy alot but what should i do, he say i am immature, in what way, he never say, that make me even more sad and puzzled, why are guys such a complex animals, I am trying hard to commodate with him but he dont even one to give me a chance. I dont know if i still dare to enter into any other relationship after this,cos i really dont know how to please a guy, i dont know how i should behaviour in front of them..who cn teach me i dont want to repeat the same mistake again....Haiz

Things In Mind

2009-09-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

From young till now, everytime when i watch television program, i will always envy those children who are being loved by their parents and how their siblings care for them, everytime when i saw such image my heart feel kind of sour feeling and i will always cried in a small corner as i was touch my those images, i always dream of having such images in my own family but it seldom happened, and i know such things will never happened in my own family. It really break my heart whenever i witness that my parents care so much for my brother and yet to myself though they care but will always bring up the topic whenever the problem is settle, this unfairness had been in bulit in me since a young kid, but when i voice out such issue, my parents will denied and alwasy insist that their treating both of us the same. So that was how i grow up in such environment, It was only until recently, i decide to take some action and seek help to find out what exactly is wrong with myself and why i am facing such obstacle again and again without coming to a rest, i feel physically and mentally exhausted, in order to not let my frens around me to worry abt me, i will try my best to portrait a very gd image and telling them that i am doing fine, and things are improving, but deep inside me, my heart is bleeding badly that the hurt is so much to me that i feel numb about it. Having been bother by such circumstance for such a long period, i decide to seek help from the divine God. I was really shock about the news that He told about my past and why i am going through all this. It been almost 4 days since i know about the news, but till now i havent really settle my emotion, i thought i could bring some sense to my parents and hoping that they will change for a better, but what hurt me was, they are still as stubborn as before and still insist that they have not done anything wrong, and even so what can they do, so what if they are not sincere, as long as they never harm people outside and they can answer to themself will do, i cant imagine that till now they can still say such words even i had convey the message from the God to them, Maybe i am too navie that they will listen and change but i guess after 4 days of observation, i should listen to the God and follow what he told me. learn to think of myself 1st before others, i know i cant do it right at the moment, but come to this extend i had no other choice but think of myself 1st. Seeing myself going through the suffering, they say they feel the pain as well, but to me is if they feel the suffering and pain why they dont want to seek help from God and sincerely prayed about it, sometimes i really doubt on them if they really feel the pain i go through, if yes how could they just keep putting things aside and never thought of seeking God seeing me going through all this things, yesterday we have a heat up agurment again, my heart never feel that hurt and pain before even when we used to fight very badly, i am seriously at lost and now all my mind and soul is focusing on praying hard that Goddness of Mercuy will forgive me and to my parents for their mistake, i know is a big mistake but i will used my heart and faith that i have in God and pray sincerely to it, hoping that one day Goddness of Mercuy will grant my forgiveness and thing will slowly be on the right path, whatever mistake that had been done i will bear it and accept it...All i hope for now is, that one day Goddness of Mercuy will be touch by my sincerity.

Why Is It Life Is So Unfair To Me

2009-09-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

The saddest thing in life is not knowing that people around you dont support you or encourage you..The scariest and saddest news to revealed is when you found out that you dont even belong to this world..It was through a session that i found out this unbelieved news from the God of Hell and Jade yesterday, i dont know if it was a rite move that i went to seek guidance from this God, after so many things is done yet i am still feel that things are still nt exactly at the rite track, when i seek help from ytd, the moment he look at me, He keep shaking his head and told me, i should not be born into this world, or i shld not be even born, and since i was born life will be a tough and difficult jounery for me from the start till my old age, when i ask what can i do to make it better so that i dont find it so difficult and tough, He ask if i ever dedicated myself to any people or God, and base on my memory from what i heard from my parents before age 15 i was once the child of God Of Mercy, but once after the age of 15 i will be free from the careof Her, so i went into christianity, to my horror, i have made the biggest and worst mistake in my life, from the time i become sensible i never ever offended anyone in my life but yet i have offend someone we should never offend and that is GOD, that is the worst scariest mistake that i ever commited, the reason why i am so shock and affected is because due to my ignorant i went into christainity and i was being punish cos of my parents who did not do a proper job and ended up i have to suffer all this pain and toils, why are they so careless, when i confronted them this morning, to ask the final time, did they did a proper and clean job when i switch to christianity, they still insist saying yes, that make me very very upset and angry, when i explain to them they put the blamed on me saying cos at that time i refused to listen and insist of going into christianity so they leave me aside, when i reflected on this issue i dont find yself at fault cos in the 1st place i did ask them if i am really abl eto choose my religion and before i decide to baptise i even ask them again if they have settle everything for me properly and again the answer is YES, but what happened now, if they have done a proper job will i suffer all this, i dont know if i should put who on the blame, the other that hurt me even more when the God of Hell and Jade told me that my relationship with my family is not close cos my parents practices favouriteism in the family,the love and dote a lot on my brother but is was the greatest mistake cos my brother will turn into someone who is WANG EN FU YI person, and cos of what my brother action it disappointed my parents whatever i do wont make any difference even if i am filial to them, i spare thoughts on them but they would never appreciate, when i heard this my heart sank and i was utterly lost of words cos what the GOD told me was exactly how i have been feeling throughtout the years, when i tell my mother this morning, she denied it and emphasis that she dont do so, but if she dont why should God tell me this, when she heard the news she feels that i am blaming her and she find that she have done alot and yet i still find it not enough, i really dont understand why that when i convey the massage that God given me to them they are still at the denial of it....why they dont want to accept and admit it...Cos of their negligence, i am being severely punished by Goddness Of Mercy cos of my wrong move without any head or tails information, i have violated both God and have to suffer all this, why do i have such a parents that can be so careless about ritual and the attitude towards God, i can imagine that, cos of one word I dont know how and what to do jus follow what people say, i got to carry this sufferring, if in the beginning i am given a detail information things could be save and better...God had even give them hints through me but yet they are still not taking action until last year when thing went to the worst. Why life is so unfair to me even though i know i shouldnt come to this world...Afterall, the greates mistake i ever committed in my whole life is that i have offended someone that I always respect so much and needless to say that is GOD the Authority who foresee the people on earth...How could i have committed such unforgiveable mistake and how can i just walk out from Goddness Of Mercy without her permission and why my parents are so careless of all these.... WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Life A Journey of Happiness and Sadness

2009-07-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Everyday, all of heard people complains about their lives and the situations that they are facing..but how many out they will really look into the problems and instead of dwelling or blaming on the issue but look for ways to solve each individual problem..Life was never meaningful to me for the past 7 years up till now, it was something that change my perspection of life last year and this year...finally i underdstand that life can never be so meaningful if it is a smooth sailing one....A person who truely live an exciting life is when he/she had went to his lowest bottom of his life and able to overcome His problems even after many times of failure..he still leading a psoitive and optimistic lives...People who are able to to stand out from their failure after one another are someone who deserved to be praise and admired for their fighting spirit...In Life, it's never easy to make everyone happy around you but it is easy to make someone smile by doing some Acts of Kindness, Nobody can lead a life without having facing diffcult situation, we can always make each situations a learning curve in life and make it as a motivation to do something even better in the future...A true life story abt myself, life was nvr easy for me ever since i turned the age of 18, i went thru an extradordinary path where not many people of my age will go through at that time,when i 1st encounter, i was devasted and could not accept i feel that life was unfair or rather say God was unfair,i thought i had went thru the worst in life, but later part of this year, life was even harsher for me, i was put to lots of trails in life and the worst was the news that i been trying not to think abt it hv come to light and finally my years of suspecting had come to concludsion, it was heartbroken, though was mentally prepare for it, but somehow human are funny creature, even they predicted the outcome but they will still like to choose to deceive themself in a way, maybe that the easy way to balance on emotion i guess, thanks to all the support frm frens, colleagues and people around who care for me make it slightly easier for me to cope in a way or cos i hv encounter too much that nw i am abl eto handle it...i guess both ways do play a part of it...Finally, i realised that the journey of life is like a joke, it can make people feel so helpless and hopeless, it can also made one feel it as exciting as a roller coaster, and even look forward to it....but all this depend on one decision in the mind of that person...Whether to make a your life journey a memorable one even it is tough or a life that you never want to remember is all depend on how to want things to happened....One important lesson i learnt from my experience is that, whatever thing i go through is not a problem or task but it is the process of how u overcome each situations and become a stronger and confident person....Once u enjoy the process of it, nothing can make u feel disappointed...As there is a quote saying, LIfe can never be so exciting and meaningful, if one never encounter problems or hit the lowest bottom of their life...It is only thru this process that your true life begins.

2009-04-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

My Make- Over In 2009 Feb

2009-03-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

CNY Celebration 2009

2009-02-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

The Last Nite of TBC- Getting Ready For Our Skit

2009-01-30T17:54:00.000-08:00

REHEARSING OUR SKIT BEFORE THE ACTUAL PERFORMANCE!

THE BEST ENTERTAINING SKIT AWARD!

TBC Part 3

2009-01-30T17:40:00.000-08:00

The 96 Team In the 8th TBC.

Give me a 9

Give me a 6

96 is the best

96 will win the rest !

96!

The Best Team Ever

TBC Part 2

2009-01-28T17:28:00.001-08:00

TBC 16-18 Jan 2009 Part 1

2009-01-28T17:15:00.000-08:00

Some Thoughts and Feeling

2009-01-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

Times flies very fast. It's already the second week of January 2009. Looking back at the year 2008, it hasn't been an easy year for me. It was another year of trail and test that God decided to put me inagain after what happened 7 yrs ago, it ws a year filled with all kinds of thoughts and experiences, from the multiple admission to hospital, the unnecessary test and procedures that i wen t thru, to the worst,dreadful and most painful procedure(Bone Marrow Asipration) i will never forget that painful experience that i went thru alone without a single family memeber at by side expect him,till the extend that i lost my job. The ups and downs in my life seem like another non-fiction story again. Ever since 2007 after i recovered from depression, i told myself that i must try my best to get a high paying job based on the qualification i had attained, the reason is not cos i am money-minded but cos each time when my mum start complaining about the amount of money she had spent on me and telling others and my cousin that she felt that all her hard work that she did for the past decade of her life is not worth it as her salary had to share with me and the family. Each time when i heard this comment said by her, my heart felt like being peirced by a pair of sharp knife and i cant help blaming myself for all what had happened and making it a heavy burden on them, so i made a promised to myself that i must get a high pay job in order to repay what they had done on me, but it seem like they never understand the motive behind why suddenly i changed into a sales line job. To them, they find that i'm not realistic, i'm dreaming and thinking of an easy way out, and i'm not down-to-earth.they felt that only a paid job with contribution to CPF then is consider a stable and secure job and job without CPF contribution is not good, unsecured and not workable. Whenever i tried to explain to them the reason and the unnecessarties of having CPF contribution in the future expect for medishield, it will always end up in an agrument. Frankly speaking,i'm getting sick and tired of quarrelling over work related issue cos i felt that they have a very narrow, conservative and short-sighted mind-set. In my 25yrs of life, i never ever met parents who will be so calcultive with their children, that every dollar and cent they will be calculating. Eventually, i finally met someone. and nontheless to say, that my very own mother, and it hurt me very much that what she concerned is the amount she had spent on me and will remind me everytime when we get into fight. And because of all these that i went thru, i was even more determined to go into sales line cos that the only job where it provides me an unlimited sky where i can earn as much as i can to put everything to a stop and to repay what they had done on me. Now given an opportunity, all i need then is to introduce their friends to me or ppl ard then to me cos my network is not as big as them, but the ball ended at my side again whenever i passed to them. They keep saying they wan t to see result on me but without their help my resources is limited how am i going to show gd result? At times, i felt very stressed, upset and disappointed, when i cant archieve what i want especially when it is so near and yet so far, Sometime, i really wonder if they are sincerely helping cos they either messed up what i had planned or they refused to help. It really upset me lot, if they think that by doing this i will give up evetually, i guess they are utterly wrong. I'm trying so hard cos i want to give the best to them but somehow it seem like it is not appreciated. It really hurts me very much when they said some discouraging words. God please give me the strengthen to go thru each and every challenge that i face each day.

Christmas celebration 08 - Mike's Place

2008-12-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

Christmas Celebration 08 - Church Svc Part 2

2008-12-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

Christmas Celebration 08 - Church Svc

2008-12-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

Am I Really A Burden To My Parents And Family

2008-12-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today i had another quarrel session with my mother early the morning after i wake up. I cant help hating myself to the extend that i really want to give up on my life since it giving everyone a huge problem.No one want to sick but why again and again they keep thinking that is my fault that i'm sick and i cause myself to be sick. Hey! i'm not insane. who doesnt want to be healthy, I know very well that it is financial draining but why do they have to keep reminding me about this. I know is hard on them. If they feel the pain for letting me to seek treatment,i'm fine i can choose not to go for further treatment just like how i stop myself from receiving treatment from Dr Yeo, it's not that i have fully recover it just that i dont wish to add on extra financial burden on them, so i'm suppressing all the symptoms, making them to feel at ease that i have recover. I do not mind to choose the death road again if that can relief their financial issue and burden. I just to not wish to hear or see them getting so frustrated whenever it comes to money issue, It's not that i dont want to work at the moment, but i having the pain most of the time and when i'm at home i got to bear with it in silence i can show them the sick look if not they will feel irritated. I simply dont understand why i cant be myself in front of my own parents why i have to hide the true feeling of me, why do i have to pretend that i'm okay even when i pain. I really wonder have they really understand the needs thai i want, the frustration and pain that i'm bearing, have they fully come to terms with my condition?I am both emotionally, and physically exhuasted. I really hated myself. Why is it that i can always share the most inner feeling of to the third parties and not my own my parents? Many times, when the pain is so bad that i really wish it will just take my life away and i can be gone forever so that my parents can be relief from it.If one day i'm gone, please do not feel sad about it cause i have ended your finanical worries as there will be no more medical bills to be stressing on you.This day will come in due time .To all friends, who happened to read this blog, just have to remember the happy times we have shared together. This is the only solution i can think off to ease their financial burden and i'm pretty sure that they will feel lighter without me. No more worries for them.

The End Of the Tour In Botanic Garden

2008-12-11T03:45:00.000-08:00

A Day At Botanic Garden - Part 2

2008-12-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

A Day At Botanic Garden - Part 1

2008-12-11T03:09:00.000-08:00

The Final Result after 3 hour plus of preparation

2008-12-10T05:53:00.000-08:00

Part 2- In the process of preparing

2008-12-10T05:50:00.000-08:00

Having a fun time in the kitchen on a friday evening - Part 1

2008-12-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

Darling Clara and Me

2008-12-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

Does she look like me?

The Tired And Shag Looking Me

2008-11-27T04:58:00.000-08:00

Our Room After 3 days of stay

2008-11-27T04:46:00.000-08:00

Our Room Before the Stay

2008-11-27T04:40:00.000-08:00

The Craziest Moment Part 2

2008-11-27T04:31:00.000-08:00

Boss's sexiest body.Cool Rite!!

Enjoying themselves !!

At the top of relaxation

The Craziest Moment

2008-11-27T04:25:00.001-08:00

The Craziest Moment

2008-11-27T04:25:00.000-08:00

Me and the Cutest Guy in my team

2008-11-27T04:23:00.000-08:00

Tobby and me

2008-11-27T04:21:00.000-08:00

The Bouncer and Me @ Avenue K

2008-11-27T04:16:00.000-08:00

Celebration At Aveneue K In KL- Last Nite Of the Trip

2008-11-27T04:06:00.000-08:00

The View Of The Club Avenue K

Inside The Club At Avenue K in KL

2008-11-27T04:01:00.000-08:00

Who is the cutest??

Outside Thai Restuarant @ KL

2008-11-27T01:30:00.000-08:00

Me and my gd buddy taken after dinner

Our Last Night At KL

2008-11-27T01:27:00.000-08:00

Me, Rahuda, haven

The Sweetest Moment

2008-11-27T01:25:00.000-08:00

Taken in the hotel

2008-11-27T01:22:00.000-08:00

Our Company Retreat At KL 2008

2008-11-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

The 4 beauties!!

A Wonderful Afternoon @ Vivo City

2008-11-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

It's had been almost two weeks since i was being hospitalised. As i was feeling much better than last week, i requested the doctor to grant me a few hours of home leave so that i can go out and breath in some fresh air. I sms Christine and check with her if she is keen to go Vivo City. She agreed. It was raining heavily. We went to Sakae Sushi for lunch and today is the day where i really enjoy the food. After lunch, we went to our favourite shop- the Candy Empire! we bought some sweets and waffles stick of cos not forgetting the chocolate. I was surprise by my appetite today, i could actually eat my dinner despite having such a heavy lunch which normally i cant. WOW Wow! that really surprising! It's a great improvement.Though i came back with pain in my lower back again but after all i enjoy myself very much today. It was a fun afternoon and we had a mini party in my ward cubicle. The most interesting that i ever do before during my previous stay. Overall, it is a fun day for me.

Thoughts that Went Through My Mind During My Stay At Hospital

2008-11-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

Hmm..........it had been a long time since i last post on the blog. On 4 November 08, i was hospitalised again. Sighed! this time beside the usual symptoms that i had been experiencing for the past 1o months, now it also accompany with the pain of my lower back . All these symptoms, not only making me sick and tired each day, it also causes much of frustration and irritation. It also affected my work performance, not only that i realised that my energy and concentration level had drop a lot and i have difficulties in focusing on my work. I hated all these and it is driving me crazy. Many times, i started to question God, why do i have to go through so many obstacle in my life, one incident after another. When will this come to end i'm pretty exhausted and tired of going through all these torture. God if it is really your plan that i have to go through all these, i sincerely pray that you can give me the equal strength to overcome whatever thing that i have to face now. I have come to an extend where i have lost the fighting spirit. I thought of giving up many times, but i choose to live on because i know i have a group of friends, as well as my family memebers and teachers who care and love me so i dont want to disappoint them.God if this is really your will that i have to go, i will follow and obey, because only from you alone i can find assurance amd peace in my mind. God i really need uyou by my side.

Our Gathering

2008-10-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

My Recent Picture with Mummy

2008-10-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

Our Dinner @ Coffee Club ( Clarak Quay)

2008-10-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

WAHAHA.........NICE YUMMY YUMMY FOOD ! NICE SCENERY TOO.........

2008-10-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

2008-10-08T00:14:00.000-07:00

SINGAPORE RIVER

2008-10-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

My Favourite Shepherd Pie...Must Try!

2008-10-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

NICE....YUMMY DRUMLETS!

The Night Scenery Of Clarak Quay

2008-10-08T00:03:00.000-07:00

NICE.........Night Spot

2008-10-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

The Delicious Mud Pie....Nice Savoury Dessert After The Main course

My Colleagues And Me Part 2

2008-10-07T13:21:00.001-07:00

The Happy Gals....Who Is the Most Attractive??

My Colleagues and Me

2008-10-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

The 4 Beautiful Princesses Of The Most High.....

Coming Home

2008-09-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

Singapore 1st Class Airport. My Homeland ...

My China Trip to GuangZhou

2008-09-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

Scenery Taken from the flight

2008-09-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

Before landing and about to land soon...buildings in GuangzZhou

On The Flight Going to GuangZhou

2008-09-20T00:41:00.000-07:00

In The Flight About to reach Our destination.

The Night Before We Fly Off

2008-09-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

Trying to catch some sleep before flying off.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

NDP 2008

2008-08-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

The largest Human Flag

NDP 2008...Nice Fireworks

Do I look sweet

2008-07-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

Me and my lovely Mr Bear

Is the flower nice

2008-07-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

My favourite Flower

Guess Which Part Of the hotel

2008-06-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

Serene and Me. Friends Forever

Dinner@ Shangri-la hotel

2008-06-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, Nice Yummy Desert

What type of life I'm looking for

2008-04-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

What type of life i'm looking for............. a very good question that had been pondering in my mind. Am I looking for something that's more challenging, or something that can lead to paradise, etc. No, that's not what i want! I want a normal life that i used to have, the cheerful, optimistic, no suicidal thought gal that i used to be. But all these will never come back again ever since i had depression in 2002. I'm no longer the happy, cheerful and always trying to take things easy at a time gal anymore. In fact throughout all these year, I have been telling myself that i'm perfectly normal. I'm just like anybody out there. No ones knows about my past and i still can lead a normal life. Isn't this very ridiculous knowing that this is not true yet i choose to believe it for so many years. I'm tired of such lies and life that i'm going through. Though I have archieve the success in my academic which i had been looking for and now i have got it shouldn't I be happy and proud of myself but why am i not feeling happy.Is it because that special one is not here anymore.I dont know! I really dont know. When he left me last year, my life was once again shattered into darkness why i had to go through this pain again. I tried to put him behind my mind not to think about him but only remember the good time we have spent and the encouragement which he had given me. Recently, I have been quite sick and just got discharged last month. In fact, I'm asking myself am i really physically sick or am i psychological sick. I'm really very tired mentally and physically but my mum never knows the struggles and frustration that i am going through she is never sensitive in what she say and she will just past commend and making me feel even more irritated. I know that she is concern about me but the way she shows it is too overwhleming that I feel like i'm still like a child who never grow up. I want a life of my own but she is interferring in to my life. I want privacy. There are times where i felt that she never understand me of what i really want but claiming that she understands it. Sometimes her commends really drives me to a corner and many times because of her commends i just feel like ending my life if I am really a burden to them. I just find that life is so meaningless to me now I don't even know what i holding back . I don't know the purpose of life even though i know there are people out there who are critically ill and still fighting to live on. To them maybe there are still things that they feel it worth living for. As for me, i just feel that only death will bring full stop to everything that i'm going through and my parents won't have to worry about me anymore.Isn't this a happy ending for everyone. You might think i'm selfish and never spared a thought of those who loves me deeply but has anyone knows that i'm actually living a life that is worst than dying. No one can really understand what a depression person is going through unless he or she had experienced it. No matter how close you are with that person you will never know her inner world and you will never understand why she will keep saying the same thing. So those who are out there dont think that by giving support and encouragement to depressed people is enough they need assurance and also a listening ear. Please try to understand them not fully but at least understand their problem and why are they thinking of ending their life and what is the reason behind it

Sadness that fill my thought

2008-04-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

It had been many years since i been keeping this to myself. It had been a struggle and i still hanging there. Ever since i had suffered from depression i know i have been a burden to the family as i dont come from a rich family and my mum had to pay for my medical bill since then. The only question that keep stirring in my mind is that do they really understand this type of condition. Do they really put themselves in my shoe. I know i been quite sick and often end up in hospital but neither do i want this the happen. Do you think i really enjoy staying in hospital? They claimed to say that they understand me fully and what i want especially my mum but the question is does she really knows and understands it. Instead of giving me less stress, she had internally adding on stress to me by telling me that hey i can only work for another 5 years and i will be jobless, all my hard earned money had given you to pay for medical bill and left with nothing and she will keep humming on this and made me feel bad about it. She will even say things like i care so much for you have you ever care about for me. Many times when i tried to share something with her she never seem to understand and she will keep saying things from her own view which is sometime i dont need that. Many times she dont even know why i'm upset, angry or frustrated and why is that i have a drastic change in my emotion and when i talk back to her rudely she will say hey u crazy huh why you talk in such a way but she will never ask why or what happened. I dont need materialistic things what i want is someone i can share thing with and ideas to give and share together but whenever i shared things with her she will say i dont know, or what you want me to do. Do you think by giving such answer i will enjoy telling her things. The worst part is whenever i shared things with them, they will say things like all these is your own imaginations. The thing is do i have so much time to imagine all these thing hey i'm not crazy. After so many attempts of trying, they never understand the inner of me but only the outer of me. I'm tired of such circumstance. I'm tired of my life and i just find it meaningless even though i have archieve my success. I wanted very much to end myself cos that the best way to lesser the burden of my parents especially my mum since she had said i giving her lots of pressure and i'm draining her dry then that the best way. Once i leave from here, i think they will be happier as they dont have to worry about the fiancial anymore cos they dont have to pay my medical bill anymore.Isn't that a better ending for me and for them.

Memorable Night

2008-04-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

Last night, I met up with Chris for dinner at Vivo City. We went to a restuarant and had Brazilian food. The ambience was nice and cosy. During dinner, we share about our interest and also the type of partners we are looking for and what are the expectation. In fact, after the talk i realised that we actually shared a common interest and view about our partner. After dinner, we actually planned to watch movie but because he forgot to bring the tickets along so we drop of the idea. He brought me to this amazing chocolate shop and the shop name is candy empire at there you can get all sort of chocolates and candies. It's really a cool shop. Chris had given me a very good impression of him and i enjoyed being with him cos i can be myself in front of him. I hope that we can contiued to bulid up our friendship and give moral support to each other as a form of encouragement. Hope to know him better in the days to come and we will become close friend. He is indeed a very nice guy to share problems with as he has a very good listening ears. Really enjoy his accompany. Looking forward to meet up with him again.

Am I Pretty?

2008-04-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

Taken @ Island Resort

2008-04-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

Me and Christine taken on the eve of my birthday

2008-04-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

Live Band @ IndoChina

2008-04-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

Dinner and KTV Session

2008-04-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I met Christine, Kok Wee for dinner at sembawang the usual place where i normally have dinner with my family. We order crab and cereal prawns with other dishes. We enjoyed the dinner very much. During our dinner, it was raining cats and dogs so we take our time to eat as we wait for the rain to stop. After dinner, we headed to marina square and we went K Box for KTV. We sang for a few hours until around 1 plus then we left the place. The best part was we cannot find the car and took us a few minutes then we manage to find it by then the carpark left with only less than 10 cars. It was a fun night. Looking forward for more such activities.

Two Pretty Ladies

2008-04-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

My mum, winnie jie jie, myself, serene, lisi, siyu and auntie angela

2008-04-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

My Group of best buddies

2008-04-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

Taken outside the chalet

My Close buddies

2008-04-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

My Birthday Celebration With Chris

2008-03-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Celebrating my 24th Birthday
@
HAPPY FAMILY INT'L RESTUARANT
@
TAKASHIMAYA
ME AND CHRIS

My Mass Collection of Bears

2008-03-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

My different collection of soft toys.

Xinyi's Baptism Day

2008-03-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

Taking her step of obedience. Declaring her faith in God openly.

Jen Vern's Baptism Day

2008-03-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

Declaring her faith in God publicly

With My Beloved Cousin

2008-03-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

Do we look like sister?

A Hearty Meal @ Happy Pay Steamboat

2008-03-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

YUMMY! YUMMY! So much food

My 2nd Collection figure of Precious Moment

2008-03-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

Collection of my precious moment! is it cute

Hospitalisation and Feeling of Frustration

2008-03-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Recently i had readmitted to hospital again cos of high fever. I'm getting more and more frustrated and impatient as i wait for the blood test result to come out. I do not know what is the cause as most of the result is negative expect that the white blood cells is high. The stay in hospital made me feel like a geniue pig as i have to undergo lots of blood tests scan etc. It's really gets on my nerves not only physical pain and feeling mentally exhausted and depressed. I just do not know what had went wrong in my body as i feeling extremely tired and weak. How long will this last is the question i had been asking myself since the day i'm sick. I'm losing the faith to fight on with the sickness. I feel like giving up my whole life i dont feel like living anymore. I am very frustrated. I feeling like a bird being catched and keep in the cage. I can't breath.

Picture taken at terminal 2

2008-03-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

Super excited!Flying soon. Yeah!

Picture taken on the way to GuiLin

2008-03-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Wow! Nice place but super Cold! Brrr........

A Boat Ride At Xia Long Wan- My Beloved Parents

2008-03-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

Lovely Couple

My First Day At Vietnam

2008-03-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

First Day At Vietnam

Welcome Party At Ying Xiang Liu San Jie

2008-03-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

Welcome Party at Ying Xiang Liu San Jie

My Precious Moment

2008-03-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

My First Date

2008-03-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

Recently i had know this guy from internet and i have met him a couple of time. The moment i saw him i had strange feeling with him. I felt the warm and closeness with him as though we knew each other for years. He had asked to start a relationship with him but i rejected him as i found it to fast. But we are getting along very well. Though he is not a christian but i pray that one day he will accept christ as he saviour and God will touch his heart. I'm hoping that this relation will work out. He is really nice knowing that this month is my birthday he arranged a group of his friends to celebrate it for me it is really touching cos i only know him a few days. Really csan see his sincerity.

Sick and Tired

2008-03-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

It's had been two days since i discharged from hospital but the fever is still persistent. This morning i just recevied an email from Dr Dede that a couple of my blood test show abnormality and it's a kind of infection which they also don't know what is it. I am kinda worry not because of my condition but more of my work. This month is the staff appraisal month and yet i had work less then a week i do not know how it will reflect on my performance and can stay in th ework for long. This viral infection had made me feel so sick an tired that i just feel like not sleeping enough.How i wish that all this will end soon. It is not only making me feel frustrated but also my parents. I really do not wish to stay in hospital anymore. I want to get well soon,